What is the nature of friendship? And why does it seem so hard to find a real
friend these days?
In a world full of quick fixes, social networking, and smart
phones, they seem harder to come by these days. With the saturation of social
networking like Facebook and Twitter, comes the arrival of a culture of
tolerance. Everyone has something to say about everything. Whether it's
politics, sexuality, marriage and family, religion or daily activities, we all
skim through everyone's posts or tweets in the spirit of tolerance or
acceptance. On a personal level, we may
not agree with everything we see and in fact find some posts outright annoying,
but we keep coming back, don't we? Why?
I believe that one of
the reasons lies in our innate and God-given desire for community, but in our
culture where convenience trumps all, we've replaced true friendship with mere
tolerance.
Tolerance
: willingness to allow people to do, say, or believe what they want without
criticizing or punishing them (Longman English Dictionary)
First, let me tell you why I hate the word tolerance in the
context of our fast-paced, social networking culture:
1) In our culture of political correctness, tolerance
is often one sided. It's ok for
one side to tolerate the other, but if you speak up against anything that
disturbs that tolerance, then you're suddenly deemed a religious or liberal
fanatic and tolerance goes out the window.
2) Tolerance is a set up for destructive
expectations. If you and I participate in a relationship where
tolerance is the rule, then you expect me to be your "friend"
regardless of your actions, even if they be morally questionable or damaging to
others or yourself. You expect no
accountability and no confrontation. You
expect things to go on as normal, when in fact your life could be swirling out
of control, as I stand by at arm's length, holding tightly to our mutual
principle of tolerance.
3) It is not conducive to true friendship. As seen above, tolerance only goes so far in
a relationship. A friendship built on tolerance is a wolf in sheep's
clothing. It makes you feel nice and
fuzzy at first but when the rubber meets the proverbial road in that
relationship, your friend actually turns into your enemy as he or she stands by
to watch you self-destruct.
Before I go on, lest I start sounding too sanctimonious, I
too am guilty of tolerance. I have been
the victim of it and I have been its perpetrator. And so here is where we must begin the
difficult task of defining true friendship.
True
friendship is:
1) A God-given desire and instinct for every person and is a
reflection of Triune nature of God himself. “God inscribed in humanity… the vocation, and thus the capacity and
responsibility, of love and communion.”
(CCC:2331)
2) Defined in who God is because it is a reflection of His
nature. God is Love. Therefore, the
founding principle of true friendship is Love.
3) Opposed to tolerance in that it does not merely stand by
on principle. It does not merely “allow”
people to engage in behaviors that lead to destruction and pain. It gets
involved, it confronts in love and compassion, it is self-giving.
4) Found in the ultimate example of friendship, which is
Jesus Christ as He gave Himself up for us. As a true friend, “[the gift of
self] does not diminish and impoverish, but quite the contrary, enlarges and
enriches the existence of the person.” (Love and Responsibility, Blessed Pope
John Paul II, p. 126)
So as your true friend, I will not tolerate you. No, I will not do you that injustice. As your true friend, I will strive to love
you as my God and Savior has loved me – to the best of my ability and with the
help of the Holy Spirit. I won’t be perfect, I’ll make mistakes. But hopefully through my mistakes, you also
will receive the opportunity to practice true friendship in your offering of
forgiveness.
May we all strive to be a friend as Jesus Christ is a friend
to us: “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s
friends.” (John 15:13)
