A Definition of Friendship

What is the nature of friendship?  And why does it seem so hard to find a real friend these days?

In a world full of quick fixes, social networking, and smart phones, they seem harder to come by these days. With the saturation of social networking like Facebook and Twitter, comes the arrival of a culture of tolerance. Everyone has something to say about everything. Whether it's politics, sexuality, marriage and family, religion or daily activities, we all skim through everyone's posts or tweets in the spirit of tolerance or acceptance.  On a personal level, we may not agree with everything we see and in fact find some posts outright annoying, but we keep coming back, don't we?  Why?

 I believe that one of the reasons lies in our innate and God-given desire for community, but in our culture where convenience trumps all, we've replaced true friendship with mere tolerance.

Tolerance : willingness to allow people to do, say, or believe what they want without criticizing or punishing them (Longman English Dictionary)

First, let me tell you why I hate the word tolerance in the context of our fast-paced, social networking culture:

1) In our culture of political correctness, tolerance is often one sided.  It's ok for one side to tolerate the other, but if you speak up against anything that disturbs that tolerance, then you're suddenly deemed a religious or liberal fanatic and tolerance goes out the window.

2) Tolerance is a set up for destructive expectations. If you and I participate in a relationship where tolerance is the rule, then you expect me to be your "friend" regardless of your actions, even if they be morally questionable or damaging to others or yourself.  You expect no accountability and no confrontation.  You expect things to go on as normal, when in fact your life could be swirling out of control, as I stand by at arm's length, holding tightly to our mutual principle of tolerance.

3) It is not conducive to true friendship.  As seen above, tolerance only goes so far in a relationship. A friendship built on tolerance is a wolf in sheep's clothing.  It makes you feel nice and fuzzy at first but when the rubber meets the proverbial road in that relationship, your friend actually turns into your enemy as he or she stands by to watch you self-destruct.

Before I go on, lest I start sounding too sanctimonious, I too am guilty of tolerance.  I have been the victim of it and I have been its perpetrator.  And so here is where we must begin the difficult task of defining true friendship.

True friendship is:

1) A God-given desire and instinct for every person and is a reflection of Triune nature of God himself. “God inscribed in humanity… the vocation, and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion.” (CCC:2331)

2) Defined in who God is because it is a reflection of His nature.  God is Love. Therefore, the founding principle of true friendship is Love.

3) Opposed to tolerance in that it does not merely stand by on principle.  It does not merely “allow” people to engage in behaviors that lead to destruction and pain. It gets involved, it confronts in love and compassion, it is self-giving. 

4) Found in the ultimate example of friendship, which is Jesus Christ as He gave Himself up for us. As a true friend, “[the gift of self] does not diminish and impoverish, but quite the contrary, enlarges and enriches the existence of the person.” (Love and Responsibility, Blessed Pope John Paul II, p. 126)

So as your true friend, I will not tolerate you.  No, I will not do you that injustice.  As your true friend, I will strive to love you as my God and Savior has loved me – to the best of my ability and with the help of the Holy Spirit. I won’t be perfect, I’ll make mistakes.  But hopefully through my mistakes, you also will receive the opportunity to practice true friendship in your offering of forgiveness. 

May we all strive to be a friend as Jesus Christ is a friend to us: “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”  (John 15:13)

Blind Date

On June 28th, 2010, a crazy, white Baptist girl walks into a bar at Red Robin... 

Then a dark and handsome, Mexican cowboy wannabe walks into said bar, looks at the crazy white girl and says, "somebody pinch me, I must be dreaming..."

During the course of the blind date, through the nervous conversation, the crazy white girl learns three very important things about the Mexican cowboy:
1) He's responsible (he was driving and therefore didn't drink anything)
2) He really was a cowboy wannabe with a rather colorful past (He explained that the huge scar on his arm was the result of getting gored by a bull when he was a young man)
3) He is a man of faith (When asked what he did for fun, his response was, "On saturday night, I go to church to visit with my God")

As the blind date concludes and the goodbyes commence, the Mexican cowboy walks off into the sunset.  But not before giving the crazy white girl a gentle peck on the cheek and a single, red rose...

       I can't say that on that first date that bells were ringing, nor were there choruses of angels singing in the heavens, not quite yet.  But I certainly was intrigued.   I had some interior things to work on first.  You see, I had a problem with expectations.  I had spent the good part of the last several years searching and pining for the man of my dreams.  I had certain expectations for Mr. Right - I expected to find him in a generic, middle class, white people church. I also expected him to look like Matthew McConaughey (a girl can dream can't she?).  The problem was, I had been to all the generic white people churches in the area, I had even looked in other places where generic white people gather, far outside the church walls. I was getting older, more desperate, making more mistakes. But to no avail,  Mr. Right was nowhere to be found.

      During the second date, I learned a few more things about him - that he was sensitive and compassionate, he liked cartoons and vanilla ice cream from McDonald's.  After the second date, I went on a camping trip with my best friend and her family for a week.  The camping trip was a bust, to say the least, but I did get to spend time thinking about the dark and handsome Mexican cowboy and talk to the Lord about him.  Thankfully, during that time, God had given me a special grace of allowing me to let go of all those expectations I had held onto for so long.  When I got home and cleaned myself up I was ready for the third date.  It was that day that I realized that perhaps my Mr. Right, a man who would treat me like a princess, a man who would make me giggle like a school girl, a man that would have a deep and profound faith, wouldn't have to be found in the same places I had looked for so long.  It was that day I realized that my Mr. Right, maybe, just maybe, a dark, handsome Mexican cowboy.

And then, the angels commenced their singing.

      I want to make it clear that to let go of one's expectations does not require a compromise of values.  My values of finding a man with a deep faith who treated me right were never compromised.  It was only in letting go of my expectations that I was able to see that Fernando was the man that God had for me.  It was also in the deep longing of my heart to find God and once again have a vibrant living relationship with Him that I had another opportunity to let go of my expectations. And when I did, I found Christ in the most profound way in the Catholic church.

Today, I want to challenge you to take a look at your expectations - your expectations for Mr. Right, your expectations for your family, your expectations for your job and career, your expectations for your faith life.  Are they getting in the way of what God truly has planned for you?  Are you clinging to them so tightly that you don't have room to see God at work?
Here are the benefits of letting go of your expectations:
1) It will take away a great deal of personal stress and anxiety
2) It will give you an excellent opportunity to trust the Lord
3) If you have expectations regarding certain relationships, it will allow room for healing and growth
4) It will give you an opportunity to see God's hand at work in your life and in the lives of your loved ones.

So what to do?  I speak of letting go, but once you let them go what will happen to them? If you seek the Lord in these things they will only go directly into His hands,  my friend!  So take a minute today to examine your expectations and let go of the ones that are keeping you from experiencing the fullness of joy that the Lord has in store for you.  Trust Him, take refuge in Him and let it go into the Hands of the Almighty God.

Psalm 37:3-7, 23-24, 34, 39-40

Trust in the Lord, and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security.

Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.

He will make your vindication shine like the light, and the justice of your cause like the noonday.

Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him; do not fret over those who prosper in their way...

Our steps are made firm by the Lord, when he delights in our way;

though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong, for the Lord holds us by the hand.

Wait for the Lord, and keep to his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land;

you will look on the destruction of the wicked.

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; he is their refuge in the time of trouble.

The Lord helps them and rescues them; he rescues them from the wicked, and saves them, because they take refuge in him.

What do I know of Holy?

   A couple weeks after Easter Vigil, a fellow parishioner and I were talking after Mass about my baptism and confirmation experience.  When she asked me, "so do you feel holy now?" I cringed on the inside.  I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged and mumbled something under my breath.  Me? Holy? 

           

Generally, when I think of holiness, I think of a burning bush, or people disintegrating into a pile of salt because they disobeyed the words of a Holy God.  Holiness is something unapproachable, a characteristic that belongs completely to God and something that a little, insignificant thing like me shouldn't mess with.  Holiness is wholly unavailable to me, a wholly inconceivable notion for me to even consider. When I'm confronted with it I echo Moses: plea, “Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in splendor…?"¹

As we got into the car to drive home that day, the first song that came on the radio was this one:

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean?

Are You fire? Are You fury?

Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees²

            Even now, months after that conversation, that question sticks with me, "do you feel Holy?"  The answer is no.  I don't, actually.  But here's the thing, holiness is not determined by the way that I feel. (Praise God!)  In fact, I often feel that holiness isn’t really even worth pursuing because I’ll never achieve it, I’ll never even get close. And yet…

           

“Instead, as he who called you is holy, be holy yourselves in all your conduct; for it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”³

            So what am I supposed to do with this?  What do I know of Holy? 

I know that it’s not a suggestion and I know that it’s not based on feeling.  It’s a command – plain and simple.  But in the words of St. Paul, I cry out “wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?”⁴ I know that I have no hope of achieving it outside of the redemption of Christ Jesus.  I know that even the slightest hint of His holiness has brought me to my knees over and over again, especially in pursuit of my own holiness.  I know that at the beginning of Lent, when Father Leonardo placed those ashes on my head, they were transformed into beauty as I rose up out of the baptismal font on Easter Vigil.  I know that the white robe I wore afterward was a symbol of the holiness that was miraculously bestowed on me because of Christ’s redemptive work on the cross.  I know that “there is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus” and finally, I know that that the “law of the Spirit of Life” has set me free from the “law of sin and death.”⁵

So do I feel holy? Still the answer is no, not really.  I am readily aware of my own sin and unworthiness, but that’s not really the right question, is it?  Am I holy?  The question is yes, in part, for now.  Upon my baptism I received a “robe of righteousness” that came from Christ Jesus Himself.⁶ And upon that day that the Lord calls me to His Glory, I will wear it for all eternity. 

But there’s still the nitty gritty, down and dirty stuff to deal with until that day.  Here is where the rubber meets the road.  I may not feel Holy all the time, but I am commanded to be Holy by the Lord Himself!  Not only that, how could I not fall on my knees and let go of all the trappings of life to pursue Holiness in earnest? The answer is clear – I must and I will. 

That is what I know of Holy.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such hostility against himself from sinners, so that you may not grow weary or lose heart.”⁷

1: Exodus 15:11

2: What Do I Know of Holy, by Addison Road

3: 1 Peter 1:15

4: Romans 7:24

5: Romans 8:1-2

6: Baruch 5:1-3

7: Hebrews 12: 1-3

*All scripture is quoted in the NRSV

Coming out of the (prayer) closet

 Hello Friends!
Well, here goes.  

I wanted to start writing because the Lord is doing great things in me in the last several months and I want to share them with you.  The big news is that on March 30th, 2012, I was baptized and confirmed into the Catholic church.  As a former Protestant, I believe there are many misconceptions on either side.  My prayer is that when you read this blog some of those myths and misinformation is dispelled.

I'm sure the presumption is that I converted because of my husband, Fernando, who is a cradle Catholic. The truth is that I have had questions and experiences that have drawn me to the Catholic church long before Fernando was even a blink in my eye.  There was never any pressure whatsoever from my husband to become Catholic, it was truly the Lord Himself who drew me in.

When I started the RCIA* class at St. Theresa's in September, I had an old, dear friend challenge me - to let go of my own ideas and conceptions of what the Church was, and Who Christ is and commit myself totally to Christ Himself. If I was committed to Christ, rather than my own ideas of Who He is and what the Christian life is all about, I would surely find the Truth.  Being initiated into the Catholic Church is the result of that commitment.  I have found Christ, or rather, He has found me.

And that, my friends, is the beautiful secret
 that I can't hold inside anymore.

I can imagine my Protestant friends and family are inwardly protesting at this moment, but I want to assure you that I have not lost my faith, rejected it or even joined a cult!  In fact, I can tell you that never before in my adult life have I experienced the fullness of God and known the presence of our Lord more than at this moment in time.

I know that there are differences - in language, in approach, in methodology and even doctrine - but its still the same Lord Jesus Christ Who has redeemed us through His Passion, Death and Resurrection.

I look forward to sharing what the Lord is doing in my life and pray that you may encounter Him in a small way through what He puts on my heart, regardless of whether you are Catholic or Protestant.

May the Grace and Peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always.

*RCIA: Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults - basically a class about the Catholic faith that answers all the important questions and helps you discern whether or not you want to be baptized.  Let me know if you want to learn more about it!